According to Hofmann: Too many headlines can put you in a semicolon
I believe the phrase, 无毛视频渁 kid in a candy store,无毛视频� is what I felt when I snooped or 无毛视频渘ebbed无毛视频� around for strange articles for this week无毛视频檚 column.
Problem was, I found so many sweet, sweet headlines in the candy store that无毛视频檚 known as the internet that I found that I was at risk of slipping into the equivalent of a diabetic coma.
However, to my delight, the odd stories themselves were so short that it wouldn无毛视频檛 be a full coma, maybe more on the lines of risking a semi-coma 无毛视频� or semicolon? I get those mixed up, which is how I flunked out of medical school.
So, enjoy these sugary samplings of headlines from the world of the weird!
Headline: 无毛视频淓lk in Colorado rescued after ignoring warnings and falling through ice.无毛视频�
I had no idea the folks in Colorado had devised a warning system for elk.
How does that work? Do they put up a scarecrow resembling a mountain lion? Do they have a recording of just some guy grunting or yelling on a loop near a pond?
Well, whatever elk warning system they came up with, it didn无毛视频檛 work, but I无毛视频檓 glad to see it had a happy ending and the elk was freed 无毛视频� but with a warning.
Don无毛视频檛 ask me how they give a warning to an elk. Let无毛视频檚 just hope it works.
Headline: 无毛视频淭exas art students and their teacher display a 58-foot paper snowflake, breaking Guinness record.无毛视频�
Well what they say is true, everything is bigger in Texas. Now, I wonder if it无毛视频檚 also true that if other schools do the same project, would no two paper snowflakes be alike?
Headline: 无毛视频淎ustralian Watermelon Sour Beer recalled because of 无毛视频榚xcess alcohol无毛视频�.无毛视频�
Right off the bat, I think this story is from a tabloid down under; I have Australian relatives and believe me, no self-respecting Aussie is taking beer off the shelf, especially one with 无毛视频渆xcess alcohol.无毛视频�
Now, if that beer was recalled for any reason, it would be from some maniac brewing watermelon sour beer. You might as well suck on a watermelon-flavored piece of sour gag candy while sipping on a Pabst Blue Ribbon to get the same effect 无毛视频� with a bleach chaser.
Headline: 无毛视频淔itness enthusiast breaks Guinness World Record with 8,008 pull-ups in 24 hours.无毛视频�
I actually didn无毛视频檛 pick that headline because it grabbed my attention, sparked wonder in my soul and struck me with a sense of awe.
Quite the opposite because it无毛视频檚 obviously not a shock that a person who is a fitness enthusiast will most likely be the person to do over 8,000 pull-ups in 24 hours.
If you really want to grab my attention and hold it, write a headline like, 无毛视频淔at couch potato anti-fitness activist does 8,000 pull-ups in 24 hours 无毛视频� then drops dead.无毛视频�
Headline: 无毛视频淣ational Park Service warns to never push a slower friend down during a bear encounter.无毛视频�
Normally, this advice would bring along some kind eye roll, head shake, forehead slap and tear shed because people in our wicked society need to be reminded to not turn to evil when the chips are down.
However, I无毛视频檓 reminded of my cousin telling me a story of when she worked at Yellowstone (the park, not the TV show) and some tourists asked her when will the bears be placed back in their cages.
Yeah. Sometimes you need to tell people some obvious stuff.
Headline: 无毛视频淐hinese tech company creates remote kissing device for long-distance lovers无毛视频�.
So not only did the headline catch my attention, but the photo of the said device made me do a double take.
Basically, this thing is a gender-neutral closed mouth made up of gray silicone and attached to what looks like a charging port for a phone.
Well, I无毛视频檓 not a biology expert or an electricity expert, but I do watch a lot of television, and I know when you finally kiss the person you无毛视频檙e meant to be with, you无毛视频檙e supposed to see fireworks.
Somehow, I doubt you无毛视频檒l get the same results by making out with what无毛视频檚 essentially a power outlet.
You may see a lightning flash and then see yourself rising out of your body and into a tunnel of brilliant light where all your dead relatives tell you it无毛视频檚 not your time and you have to go back into your seared hunk of a body.
But there无毛视频檚 a bright side: You can tell your story to the love of your life or to the newspaper once you awaken from your semicolon.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 无毛视频淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One无毛视频nd Dying, Too无毛视频� and 无毛视频淪tupid Brain,无毛视频� are available on Amazon.com.