According to Hofmann: It’s a dog-eat-lobster world
I used to think I had to watch 无毛视频淪tar Trek无毛视频� or 无毛视频淎nimal Planet无毛视频� or 无毛视频淭he Jersey Shore无毛视频� to learn of the similarities and differences between various species, but it turns out a trip to the vet accomplished the same thing.
At the recent appointment for my dog, Oreo, he had to have his shots updated, his blood checked and his poop examined after it was obtained by me at 3 a.m. that day and delivered in three sealed plastic bags.
Gladly, the vet said Oreo was a healthy 3-year-old Australian Shepherd/Border Collie mix, but she did take time to point out something to me.
无毛视频淵our dog is a fat piece of lard, Mr. Hofmann.无毛视频�
Of course, she didn无毛视频檛 say it like that. She, like every doctor, took the long road to get to a simple destination.
She started by saying even though Oreo is 3 years of age, he无毛视频檚 really in his late 20s in dog years.
I could never figure out dog years. I used to think you had to just multiply every year of the dog无毛视频檚 life by seven, but, according to the American Veterinary Medical Association, 15 human years equals the first year of a medium-sized dog无毛视频檚 life, then you add nine years to year two and then add five years for every year starting at age 3.
So, in a year or two by my calculations, Oreo will be getting up earlier, complaining about pop music and predicting the weather due to joint inflammation, but I无毛视频檓 bad at math, so there you go.
Anyway, she said while he was only about five pounds overweight, Oreo is well into doggy adulthood and, like all human adults, his metabolism is not what it once was oh so many years ago. The pounds start to pack on easier, and are tougher to lose.
I sucked in my gut, puffed out my chest and told her I didn无毛视频檛 know what she was talking about.
She then asked about Oreo无毛视频檚 eating habits 无毛视频� how much food do we give him, for one.
Because we are a lazy family, we bought Oreo this contraption that lets you fill a hopper with dog food, and as the dog eats the food in the tray, more food falls down from the hopper.
The vet said, and I无毛视频檓 paraphrasing, 无毛视频淏ad human! Bad!无毛视频� and said that will cause Oreo to overeat.
She then asked about snacks.
无毛视频淚无毛视频檇 love a snack,无毛视频� I said as my gut succumbed to gravity and hung down.
Turns out, she meant what kind of treats do we give him and how many do we give him. He gets a treat whenever he gives us a cute and pitiful look, so roughly 75 treats per day, by my poor calculations.
It turns out, like the food hopper, that was the wrong answer, and I was smacked on the nose with a newspaper.
无毛视频淵ou should only give him treats when you无毛视频檙e teaching him tricks,无毛视频� she said.
That confused me because she just finished saying he was on his way to becoming an older dog, and I thought you couldn无毛视频檛 teach an old dog new tricks.
I really have to reexamine this belief system I have.
The vet could clearly see the confusion and drool on my face and added that, to a dog, a doggy treat is as healthy as a donut is to us.
Good thing we didn无毛视频檛 feed him actual donuts or the vet would have said that无毛视频檚 as unhealthy as a human eating rusty razor blades out of a used Bio Hazard bag filled with ranch dressing.
It really made me think about the differences between dogs and humans 无毛视频� I mean, they无毛视频檙e a different species, but they are a member of a family like third cousins twice removed. (I could never figure out the second, third or fourth cousin 无毛视频渞emoved无毛视频� from the family thing. I thought you just multiply each cousin无毛视频檚 parent by three and divide that by four.)
Anyway, those differences between dogs and humans come to light when they, for example, watch us dress and undress and, boy, do they watch us.
Oreo is both fascinated and I think somewhat disgusted by watching me change in and out of clothing. I know that because I see him staring at me, and I无毛视频檇 like to say he has a look on his face like he ate poop, but dogs like eating poop, so what do I know?
Speaking of having nature call, have you ever had a dog walk in on you while you无毛视频檙e in the bathroom? It无毛视频檚 like I know he无毛视频檚 thinking, 无毛视频淲hat无毛视频檚 this twisted insanity? Doesn无毛视频檛 he know there无毛视频檚 a big yard out there where he can do that? And that无毛视频檚 where I drink my water!无毛视频�
With so many differences between humans and dogs, I want to end this week无毛视频檚 column to say that there无毛视频檚 a similarity between the two, and that无毛视频檚 the fact that we lie.
The realization hit me when I found myself defensively answering some of the vet无毛视频檚 questions like I answer my own doctor无毛视频檚 questions.
无毛视频淔eed him from the table? Of course not! We only feed him the top-tier dog food in vacuumed-sealed packages that the store places in special refrigeration units. We know it无毛视频檚 more expensive than caviar-stuffed lobster tails because that无毛视频檚 one of the ingredients, but money be damned! What kind of backward hayseeds do you take us for?无毛视频�
And I won无毛视频檛 even begin to entertain the notion that if Oreo could talk, he无毛视频檇 tell the vet the truth.
Many times, I无毛视频檝e heard things being disturbed in my kitchen only to walk out there to see Oreo backing up from whatever garbage can through which he had been burrowing, acting like nothing happened.
Dogs can be deceptive, too. I don无毛视频檛 know if all animals were born with that instinct, but it seems to be a trick no animal is too old to learn.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 无毛视频淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 无毛视频� and Dying, Too无毛视频� and 无毛视频淪tupid Brain,无毛视频� are available on Amazon.com.