According to Hofmann: Too fast too food…almost
I无毛视频檓 going to have to go through my archives of columns because with the subject of this week无毛视频檚, I无毛视频檓 starting to feel like I无毛视频檓 the Weird Al Yankovic of humor columnists.
It无毛视频檚 not because my columns are funny 无毛视频� good lord no! 无毛视频� but because I think I无毛视频檓 writing about food way too much.
For the record, Weird Al has an epic number of parody songs for all genres of music, but he无毛视频檚 also known for food-related parody hits like 无毛视频淪pam,无毛视频� 无毛视频淢y Bologna,无毛视频� 无毛视频淚 Love Rocky Road,无毛视频� 无毛视频淟asagna,无毛视频� 无毛视频淭aco Grande,无毛视频� 无毛视频淓at It无毛视频� and 无毛视频淔at无毛视频�, which, well, is what you get for making Weird Al your playlist when you无毛视频檙e trying to work out.
Anyway, I was struck with the idea that I无毛视频檓 writing too much about food when I had an idea for another column about fast food and I thought, 无毛视频淩eally? Another column about fast food?无毛视频�
无毛视频淏ut it无毛视频檚 a funny idea,无毛视频� I said aloud while in my car at the fast food drive-thru.
无毛视频淲e both know it won无毛视频檛 be,无毛视频� said the voice in my head, which I assume is my rational conscience. 无毛视频淎nd the fast-food employee who just told you 无毛视频楤ut it无毛视频檚 a funny idea无毛视频� is only on their breakfast menu.无毛视频�
Like always, I无毛视频檓 ignoring my conscience and diving right in with this week无毛视频檚 column about fast food as I question if fast food is, in fact, too fast.
Don无毛视频檛 get me wrong, I like quick preparation and service as much as the next guy, and I无毛视频檓 fully aware that it无毛视频檚 called fast food for a reason, but have you ever really paid attention to the time that it takes from ordering your meal in the drive-thru to paying and receiving said meal?
What I try to do is compare it to the time it takes for me to make a typical sandwich. I found there are suspicious times where it seems like the family meal I无毛视频檝e ordered and double-sized is done and bagged and waiting for me at the drive-thru window before I can visualize me getting the peanut butter jar open.
无毛视频淎nd here无毛视频檚 your food,无毛视频� the fast-food employee says to me.
I hesitate for a brief moment as thoughts wage combat in my head like the distrust that the food was made too fast vs. ravenous hunger vs. the absurdity of the significance of mascots for fast food vs. the suspicion of what I无毛视频檓 actually being handed.
As you can imagine, hunger wins each and every time. Besides, I already paid for it at the previous window. That无毛视频檚 how they get you, you see?
So that无毛视频檚 why I actually feel good when there无毛视频檚 a wait or I无毛视频檓 sent to park elsewhere to wait for my food. It tells me there无毛视频檙e actual human beings preparing my food and not an industrial Rube Goldberg machine slapping ingredients together at a blinding speed.
The wait is almost like quality control in a way, which is why I无毛视频檓 baffled when the fast-food employee apologizes to me for the wait.
无毛视频淣o apologies necessary,无毛视频� I say, and I mean it. 无毛视频淚无毛视频檓 just glad you无毛视频檙e a person and not a food-preparation unit that can withstand an EMP attack.无毛视频�
无毛视频淭hanks, but we might have gotten your order wrong 无毛视频� maybe sneezed in it by accident 无毛视频� or on purpose.无毛视频�
无毛视频淎ll the more encouraging.无毛视频�
Of course, there无毛视频檚 a trade-off with speed of the food and quality of food.
Let无毛视频檚 face it, when you order from a fast-food joint, you无毛视频檙e getting prepackaged food nuked to something of a warm temperature and slapped together and delivered to you by sometimes angry people who don无毛视频檛 really want you there.
When you go to a nice restaurant, you无毛视频檙e getting higher quality prepackaged food delivered to you by sometimes angry people who don无毛视频檛 really want you there. The difference is it takes longer, it无毛视频檚 hotter, you pay more and you无毛视频檙e encouraged to leave a tip.
Yes, I jest, but seeing how some fast-food places have been accused of not using real meat for their 无毛视频渕eat无毛视频� and how the chemical makeup of some of their food items can repel black mold, I wonder if we overlook all of that because, well, it无毛视频檚 tasty and, as you know, hunger always wins.
I also think about the evolution of fast food and wonder about the fast-food of the future as we pull up in our driver/passenger-flatulence-powered hover cars at the drive thru.
There, after we pay through chips implanted in our eyes linked to our bank accounts, a robot resembling Rosie from 无毛视频淭he Jetsons无毛视频� emerges with hoses for arms with one arm reading 无毛视频淔OOD无毛视频� and the other reading 无毛视频淪ECRET SAUCE无毛视频� and then assaults your face by shoving the hoses in your mouth with the liquid 无毛视频淢EAL无毛视频� while Muzak plays on the loudspeaker of the song 无毛视频淎ll Star无毛视频� by the band Smash Mouth, coincidentally.
It almost sounds like something out of a Weird Al song.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 无毛视频淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 无毛视频� and Dying, Too无毛视频� and 无毛视频淪tupid Brain,无毛视频� are available on Amazon.com.