According to Hofmann: Press 0 and fight the machines
As a reporter, I have to talk to a lot of people over the phone because I have to interview them and ask them questions like, 无毛视频淲hy are you running for public office?,无毛视频� 无毛视频淲here is the office?,无毛视频� 无毛视频淲hy were you found trying to smuggle a goat across state lines?, and 无毛视频淎re you serious?无毛视频�
While that无毛视频檚 not fun at all, making phone calls is especially not fun in my private life-you know, the stuff behind closed doors that I end up putting in a newspaper column every week.
I, myself, me and the rest of us have to make phone calls to companies every now and then, but all of us (I can无毛视频檛 speak for myself, me and I, but I无毛视频檓 sure the remainder of you feel the same) find it to be the most loathsome, tedious thing to do on the planet 无毛视频� with the exception of running for public office, of course.
Whenever I call and have to deal with those automated operators, I pretty much feel like my intelligence is being insulted when I have to 无毛视频渢alk无毛视频� with them.
无毛视频淗ello there 无毛视频� Mark,无毛视频� is one prerecorded lady无毛视频檚 voice says whenever I call to make a cable payment as I无毛视频檓 supposed to feel good that this software program matched my phone number to the account that无毛视频檚 under my name.
They say your own name is the thing you like to hear the most unless you无毛视频檙e being called to step up to the gallows, but I have to say that I find hearing this computer say my name is a bit off putting, which is why I无毛视频檓 thinking about legally changing my name to something more complicated. I无毛视频檇 like to listen for the computer to stumble, spark, crackle, turn against its own program and self delete.
It无毛视频檚 either the computer knows me when I无毛视频檓 calling or I get this message when I call: 无毛视频淎ll of our operators are busy with other callers, but I无毛视频檓 here to help you. Please say your name so I can look up your account.无毛视频�
无毛视频淢ark Hofmann,无毛视频� I say.
无毛视频淚无毛视频檓 sorry, but I didn无毛视频檛 quite catch that,无毛视频� it replies. 无毛视频淧lease say your name so I can look up your account.无毛视频�
I know that it无毛视频檚 picking up background noise so it thinks I无毛视频檓 saying, 无毛视频淢arhfdoivwouvhsojgpebsovpwfmann,无毛视频� but how much do I have to enunciate for this soulless machine to understand me?
Turns out, after 32 attempts of saying my names in different tones, dialects, accents and imitations of Yakov Smirnoff and Christopher Walken, the computer finally realizes that I无毛视频檓 me and lets me proceed before throwing more humor-column fodder my way.
无毛视频淧lease wait, while I look up that account,无毛视频� the disembodied voice says followed by the sounds of clacking from a keyboard as it无毛视频檚 trying to convince me that a person is actually typing information to bring my account up.
I really don无毛视频檛 know who they无毛视频檙e trying to fool-maybe a retired typing teacher who无毛视频檚 nodding along and saying, 无毛视频淥h, my. They无毛视频檙e typing a good 90 words a minute!无毛视频�
Anyway, back to waging verbal war against a machine.
The machine无毛视频檚 next weapon is the guilt trip because it has your info and knows you无毛视频檝e been naughty and haven无毛视频檛 paid your bill on time. At least, when you speak with a human on the other line, a sob story can get you a break, but when I无毛视频檓 faced with a megabyte bill collector, I think of what Michael Beihn无毛视频檚 character, Reese, said in 无毛视频淭he Terminator.无毛视频�
无毛视频淚t doesn无毛视频檛 feel pity, or remorse, or fear and it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.无毛视频�
Okay, that无毛视频檚 too much because I无毛视频檓 sure it would stop if there无毛视频檚 a power surge or something, but what can you say to these things over the phone?
无毛视频淚 know the credit-card bill is late, but I was, uh 无毛视频� goat sitting for my friend while he无毛视频檚 under federal investigation for, well, we won无毛视频檛 get into the details of that. Anyway, the goat decided to snack on all the bills I had on my table including the credit card bill, and I forgot to get in touch with the credit card company because I was overwhelmed with joy that my friend无毛视频檚 investigation was tossed out, but I无毛视频檒l get the minimum payment to you ASAP, I promise!无毛视频�
无毛视频溛廾悠郸ERROR! ERROR! NON-SEQUITUR! HUMAN EXTINCTION MUST COMMENCE!无毛视频�
Now, I无毛视频檓 all for making life as stress-free as possible, so my advice for you this week (even though this is far from an advice column,) is just press 0 and bypass all the computer gibberish that won无毛视频檛 be able to understand anything you say anyway.
You may have to wait a few minutes to an hour or three longer, but then you无毛视频檒l be in touch with a real human being who knows what you无毛视频檙e saying and knows his stuff and, God willing, he sympathizes with your plight and your friend无毛视频檚 bill-eating goat.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 无毛视频淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 无毛视频� and Dying, Too无毛视频� and 无毛视频淪tupid Brain,无毛视频� are available on Amazon.com.