According to Hofmann: Death by hotdog
Now that we无毛视频檙e reaching the end of our summer of discontent, it无毛视频檚 time to hear that many of us have been killing ourselves 36 minutes at a time.
A recently published study from the University of Michigan found that eating one hot dog can take 36 minutes off your life.
Isn无毛视频檛 it great that we, after a whole summer of eating hot dogs at ballparks, Fourth of July picnics and graduation parties, are receiving this information now?
It kind of puts a damper on this weekend无毛视频檚 Labor Day picnic, doesn无毛视频檛 it?
There无毛视频檚 nothing quite like preparing and serving hot dogs, corn dogs, cocktail weenies and kielbasa to your friends, family and neighbors and feeling like a serial killer for doing so.
Also, consider the perspective of the victims. Imagine being on your deathbed, and you sense the cold, icy hand of the grim reaper reaching out for you. One of your children by your side begs for you to stay with them for at least another, say, 36 minutes.
无毛视频淪orry, I can无毛视频檛 stay because now is my time 无毛视频� and I ate this chili-cheese dog with Fritos on it back in 2017, and it was so worth it,无毛视频� you say. 无毛视频淕oodbye.无毛视频�
Now, whenever I hear about hot dogs, I think of one name, Oscar Mayer, and why that man and his descendants need to pay for what they无毛视频檝e made us voluntarily do to ourselves over the years. We have to capture them before they escape in that Wienermobile!
Nah, I无毛视频檓 just kidding.
The name I think of is Joey Chestnut, a competitive eater and 14-time champion of the Nathan无毛视频檚 Hot Dog Eating Contest.
A quick search of Mr. Chestnut无毛视频檚 accomplishments show that he无毛视频檚 eaten a total of 1,010 hot dogs during the competitions he无毛视频檚 won in his stellar career. Keep that in mind because I无毛视频檓 not counting hot dogs consumed on the times when he lost competitions, how many he had to eat to qualify for them or the number of hot dogs he ate when he practiced.
Since the total number of hot dogs the man has eaten is unknown, we无毛视频檒l just go by the number 1,010. Now, if you multiply that by 36 minutes, you end up with 3,670 minutes, which equals 61 hours, which equals about two and a half days taken off of Mr. Chestnut无毛视频檚 life.
(Also, when I write 无毛视频淢r. Chestnut,无毛视频� I feel like I无毛视频檓 referring to a cousin of Mr. Peanut 无毛视频� just a strange observation. Now back to the column.)
And because I love math so much when it无毛视频檚 directed toward childish stupidity: Joey Chestnut is 37 years old and the average lifespan of an American male is 78 years old. When I calculate and estimate and guesstimate the total number of hot dogs he has eaten beyond the eating contest, Chestnut probably should无毛视频檝e died about four years ago.
Maybe he keeps winning because he无毛视频檚 a zombie and thinks he无毛视频檚 eating brains.
Hot dog lovers shouldn无毛视频檛 worry too much, though. The study also noted there was a way to reverse the damage hot dogs do.
The study cited a prior study known as the Global Burden of Disease. (I know that sounds like the next Stephen King book, but it无毛视频檚 not; it measures death rates based on food choices to create an index that determines how certain foods add or subtract minutes of life.)
So, lick your lips and rub your tummies because here are the magic foods that add minutes to your life: fruits, vegetables, legumes and nuts.
I know what you无毛视频檙e thinking, that you don无毛视频檛 know what a legume is. Frankly, neither do I, but I have a feeling you can无毛视频檛 put whipped cream on them. If I research what they are, I无毛视频檒l probably be thinking, 无毛视频淎nd people actually eat those?无毛视频� followed by, 无毛视频淐an they at least be deep fried?无毛视频�
But, hey, good news is good news, especially for Joey Chestnut and other competitive eaters who want to reverse their dire fates. They only need to participate in walnut, carrot and apple pie eating contests.
For the rest of us, well, over this three-day weekend when we gather to say goodbye to summer, we can still enjoy our hot dogs with generous toppings of legumes and Fritos.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 无毛视频淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 无毛视频� and Dying, Too无毛视频� and 无毛视频淪tupid Brain,无毛视频� are available on Amazon.com.