According to Hofmann: We’re all Hallmarked
Of all the theorems I无毛视频檝e enjoyed and embraced over the years, I would have to say my favorite is The Infinite Monkey theorem.
The theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type any given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare, just not 无毛视频淭wo Gentlemen of Verona,无毛视频� which The Bard totally phoned in.
As a side note on the theorem, I无毛视频檝e never been sure if the monkey is supposed to live forever or if they put a new monkey in once the previous one retires, and that process continues on for centuries until we end up with 无毛视频淎 Planet of the Apes无毛视频� scenario.
Anyway, I think that theorem has already been put in motion and while the monkey hasn无毛视频檛 even yet produced a Shakespeare sonnet, I think the monkey has cornered the market on the infinite possibilities of greeting cards.
That probability really came to light last week when my stepdaughter and I were rushing into the store to find a last-minute Mother无毛视频檚 Day card for my mom, my wife, my wife无毛视频檚 mom and my wife无毛视频檚 step-mom.
Of course, the horror of that bad timing is always the empty rows that once held the Mother无毛视频檚 Day card of all Mother无毛视频檚 Day cards 无毛视频� one so cherished that the recipient would frame it, keep it by her bed and kiss it every night.
In my situation, the only remaining cards were those for grandmothers from brothers-in-law.
无毛视频淥kay无毛视频e can make that work,无毛视频� I said, snatching cards and the remaining wilting flowers. We went off to make memories of another mediocre Mother无毛视频檚 Day.
It did strike me odd that such unique sender-to-recipient cards existed, and it had neighbors for all kinds of scenarios.
I found lists of different holidays, occasions and people involved in a greeting-card exchange and discovered holidays that were unknown to me, occasions that I had no idea required a card and people whom I never thought to exist.
It gets complicated when people need to buy cards for engagements/weddings or a pregnancy/births.
With the wedding, you have cards for the bride, the groom, the bride and groom, the bride and bride, the groom and groom, the bride-to-be, the groom-to-be, the bride-to-be-and-baby-riding-shotgun, mother and/or father-in-law-to-be, son and/or daughter-in-law-to-be, clergy, clergy-to-be, maid of honor, best man, wedding party and that one member of the wedding party that nobody is really thrilled to have, but they needed an extra body to even out everything.
With pregnancies, you have such options as mom-to-be, dad-to-be, brother and/or sister-to-be, baby-to-be, new parents, new siblings, new baby, parents, brothers and sister and baby. Like the wedding, you can also add 无毛视频済rand,无毛视频� 无毛视频済reat-grand,无毛视频� 无毛视频済reat, great-grand无毛视频� and 无毛视频済reatest-grandest无毛视频� to each person.
Don无毛视频檛 forget that you can also pick the 无毛视频渟tep family无毛视频� categories for all those stepparents, step-grandparents, step-kids, step-siblings, step-aunts and uncles, step-cousins, step-ladders and step-aerobics.
Not surprising, but I found a few head scratchers in there because, if you无毛视频檙e not in a situation that would require such a card, you really have no clue what the card is all about.
First, there无毛视频檚 无毛视频渁ny boy and/or any girl,无毛视频� which kind of shotguns the greeting to anyone in the crossfire.
无毛视频淗ey, kid I just met, you无毛视频檙e okay. Here无毛视频檚 a card saying so.无毛视频�
Next was 无毛视频渂onus brother and/or sister.无毛视频� Now, I really racked my brain on this one, but the best I could conclude is that it无毛视频檚 an adoption or step-sibling situation or maybe a family buys a minivan that comes with six months of free satellite radio and an extra kid to help fill all the seats.
Moving on, we have 无毛视频溛廾悠郸and family无毛视频� attached to different relatives like 无毛视频渟ister and family,无毛视频� 无毛视频渟econd cousin twice removed and family无毛视频� or 无毛视频淭he Addams Family and family无毛视频�.
I didn无毛视频檛 know what to think of that because, as you have read, there无毛视频檚 plenty of combinations of greeting-card recipients to include specific members of someone无毛视频檚 family. My only thought is that it无毛视频檚 a subtle way to say, for example, 无毛视频淪ister, I love you, but your husband and kids are just plain horrible.无毛视频�
But my hands-down favorite has to be 无毛视频渞omantic interest,无毛视频� which is a formal way of getting unwanted messages from a stalker.
无毛视频淥h no无毛视频t无毛视频檚 a card from You Know Who, and I say that because that无毛视频檚 how he signs the card, and he signs it in his own blood!无毛视频�
Man, when I was a hopelessly-romantic teenager, those cards would无毛视频檝e come in handy.
Believe me, I无毛视频檓 just scratching a very itchy surface on the possibilities of greeting cards.
If I would have added everything, then my editor would have to send me a carpal tunnel syndrome get-well card on National Employee Work-Related-Injury Day.
But I want to end this week无毛视频檚 column by going back to the Mother无毛视频檚 Day card hunt and the card that actually caused a gas bubble to form in my brain.
It was a card from a grandmother to a granddaughter to wish them happy Mothers无毛视频� Day.
So, if that grandmother was sending a Mother无毛视频檚 Day card to her granddaughter, she would also have to send one to her daughter to wish her happy Mother无毛视频檚 Day, that daughter would have to send her daughter a card, that daughter would also receive a card from her kid and would also send a card to her mother and grandmother, her kid would also send a card to their grandmother and great-grandmother and that grandmother would have to send a card to her mother 无毛视频� the whole thing sounds like a greeting-card boomerang.
Boomerang celebrations! There really should be a card for that 无毛视频� wait 无毛视频� oh, yeah, there is.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 无毛视频淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One无毛视频nd Dying, Too无毛视频� and 无毛视频淪tupid Brain,无毛视频� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 无毛视频淟ocally Yours无毛视频� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.