According to Hofmann: I’ve been mugged
As with most people, my morning ritual involves a cup of coffee or two or three, maybe five if it无毛视频檚 a workday or a caffeine IV drip into my arm if it无毛视频檚 a Monday.
Either way, you need a coffee vessel and the most common one is a mug. Yes, those small and simple ceramic bowls with an attached handle have brought joy to millions of people and devastation to thousands annually, but the mug is rarely given a second thought.
However, I recently started to really think about mugs 无毛视频� mainly because I无毛视频檓 constantly surrounded by them.
Back in my bachelor days, my kitchen cabinet consisted of four mugs in case a few broke or if I had morning company, but more likely because I was too lazy to do dishes five days straight 无毛视频� on that fifth day, I normally drank directly from the coffee pot.
There was nothing too special about my mugs in those days; I think most of them were purchased from the second-hand thrift store, which meant it belonged to someone who had died 无毛视频� his name was Frank, and he or someone he knows once visited Arkansas, so says the mug.
Anyway, when I got married, the mugs belonging to my wife and stepdaughter joined my mugs.
Of course, I find it odd that my wife doesn无毛视频檛 drink coffee, but she and my stepdaughter drink stuff like orange juice out of a coffee mug, which, to me, is like drinking chocolate milk out of a champagne flute, but whatever floats their boat.
So, my mug count climbed to about seven or eight, and I believed that would be the limit of the mug collection.
However, as the years of married life stretched by like the tortuous moans of a prisoner begging to die, I started to notice the family mug collection grow and grow. Soon, there were 10 mugs, then 14, then 19. It was like a Tribble invasion on 无毛视频淪tar Trek无毛视频�.
Oddly enough, my coffee consumption went down over the years. The teetering avalanche of mugs that threatened to fall on me whenever I opened the cabinet caused enough adrenaline to surge through my system to keep me awake and alert for the first hour of the morning.
Besides the growing number of coffee mugs, another thing I noticed are the mugs with sayings on them 无毛视频� many of which were presents from my wife and stepdaughter 无毛视频� sayings that made me wonder if they无毛视频檙e sending me a not-so-subtle message.
As I write this sentence, I无毛视频檓 looking at a mug that declares I无毛视频檓 the 无毛视频淲orld无毛视频檚 Greatest Dad.无毛视频� No argument there, but above that phrase, it reads, 无毛视频淥cean City, Maryland.无毛视频�
That always confused me. Am I the world无毛视频檚 greatest dad when I无毛视频檓 in Ocean City or am I the world无毛视频檚 greatest dad, but only by Ocean City standards?
Another mug they purchased for me reads, 无毛视频淲orld无毛视频檚 Greatest Farter 无毛视频� I Mean, Father.无毛视频�
At that point, I无毛视频檓 starting to wonder if they无毛视频檙e just pulling my chain about being a great father; also, now my abilities as a parent and my flatulence are known worldwide and not just in Ocean City.
Anyway, other statements on mugs are very bold and universally true, like the mug I received from Christmas that reads, 无毛视频淐offee makes me poop无毛视频� and, of course, the mug is very large and distinctly colored brown.
I mean, it无毛视频檚 bad enough that I started thinking about these mugs and their meanings, but now I have to consider (and then reconsider) which mug I pick for the morning because of the popularity of Zoom work meetings.
There无毛视频檚 nothing like a staff meeting where the biggest revelation is my coffee and bathroom habits; actually, the staff normally finds out about that stuff from me at some point, but it无毛视频檚 different when it无毛视频檚 advertised on the fine china.
I honestly don无毛视频檛 know what to do with the mug situation because I无毛视频檓 becoming more of a pack rat at my old age, which is the polite way of saying that I无毛视频檓 becoming a hoarding geezer. I can无毛视频檛 无毛视频渁ccidentally无毛视频� break the things because that would activate some fight-or-flight response with my wife 无毛视频� well, more of a cry-or-buy response. Soon, though, the mugs will completely overtake the kitchen cabinet and, if I do nothing, the mugs will naturally evolve to the point where they无毛视频檒l display my latest colonoscopy results.
I hate to say it, but the only logical thing to do is to get a divorce 无毛视频� well, not a divorce because I无毛视频檒l somehow end up with all the mugs in the custody agreement.
Perhaps I should just abandon the family all together. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to do, but at least I无毛视频檒l still be considered a great dad by Ocean City standards.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 无毛视频淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One无毛视频nd Dying, Too无毛视频� and 无毛视频淪tupid Brain,无毛视频� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 无毛视频淟ocally Yours无毛视频� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.