According to Hofmann: Once upon a Fortnite dreary…
A story filed in the You无毛视频檝e Gotten Old Dept. happened after my wife and I purchased a Nintendo Switch video game system for our 10-year-old for Christmas.
It was one of the greatest Christmas presents she无毛视频檒l hardly ever play with 无毛视频� mainly because my wife and I found a Monopoly video game and always play it
Yep, there无毛视频檚 another one filed in the Geezer Dept.
Before you accuse us of being bad parents for hogging her gaming system, our daughter, Emma, has many other mediums to keep her entertained like YouTube, TikTok, cable TV, a computer hooked up to all the wonders and horrors of the Internet, a phone where she can video chat with her friends and play hundreds of games, the family dog, a log on top of a cardboard box in the yard and a book of matches from my parents无毛视频� cousin无毛视频檚 wedding in 1986.
One day, a friend of mine recommended that I connect the Nintendo Switch online to access classic Nintendo video games 无毛视频� you know, the ones where you had to blow in the cartridge to make it work.
And yet another one filed in the Old Fart Dept.
So, I brought the system online and then Emmas threw her book of lit matches across the room and ran to the TV where she saw the game 无毛视频淔ortnite无毛视频� and begged for me to download it and play it with her.
At first I refused because I thought 无毛视频淔ortnite无毛视频� was another one of those dumb animal-crossing games, but at night 无毛视频� and in a fort.
Then she said it无毛视频檚 a game where 100 players are parachuted to an island full of weapons, and they get to kill each other with the one remaining player named the winner, and it无毛视频檚 free.
I then told her she had me at 无毛视频渢hey get to kill each other无毛视频� as well as 无毛视频渇ree.无毛视频�
The idea of such a game woke up some excitement in my otherwise bleak existence as I have enjoyed such survival/kill movies as 无毛视频淏attle Royal,无毛视频� 无毛视频淭he Hunger Games无毛视频� and 无毛视频淪aturday Night Fever无毛视频� and wanted to see how I would do in such a situation.
When my turn to play came up, my character landed in a spot where I collected guns, ammo, explosives, shields and first-aid kits; not only was I killed within 12 seconds by a player as a banana in a suit, but I also came in 99th place.
Yeah, some of it was first-time jitters and once you see a banana charging at you with an automatic shotgun, your fingers get flustered and, for some reason, I was having my character build a wooden staircase in the middle of a shootout.
Of course, Emma laughed at me, and I told her to have some respect because, back in the day, I used to play 无毛视频淪onic The Hedgehog,无毛视频� and he无毛视频檚 now a movie star.
At that point, I stopped filing stories in departments and just put dimes in a 无毛视频淒addy无毛视频檚 Old无毛视频� jar like I was swearing.
However, I really started to improve to the level of somewhat awful as it took me time to figure out a thing or two.
One big thing was realizing I was actually part of a team and sometimes I was placed on a team where my three teammates knew each other and communicated with each other through headsets, so I heard everything they were saying. I didn无毛视频檛 have a headset synced up with the video game and couldn无毛视频檛 communicate with them, so I was basically the mute diversity hire of the team.
Then I found myself on a team with three 14-year-old girls.
The trio had no issues giving me criticisms 无毛视频� first and foremost that I landed too soon and I was likely going to die soon 无毛视频� in the game as well as in real life.
Seeing that these girls were chatterboxes and knowing I didn无毛视频檛 have much time to live, I decided to just make fun of the girls with my wife and Emma watching because how funny is it to think of these characters in violent life-or-death scenarios and hearing these girl无毛视频檚 voices saying stuff like, 无毛视频淥hmahgawd, Lacey, you, like, totally got the assault rifle!无毛视频�
I did have a concern that the girls might start dropping bad-word bombs 无毛视频� in the game as well as in real life 无毛视频� and my first thought was if I hear anything badder than an 无毛视频淥 gosh darn!无毛视频� with Emma in the room, I无毛视频檓 going to turn this computer-game thing right off. That无毛视频檒l show them.
The 无毛视频淒ad无毛视频檚 Old无毛视频� jar was about up to $28 at that point.
Anyway, I lived long enough to find a sniper rifle and from what I know about warfare from such books like Sun Tzu无毛视频檚 无毛视频淭he Art of War,无毛视频� Gen. George Patton无毛视频檚 无毛视频淲ar As I Knew It无毛视频� and Tim Allen无毛视频檚 无毛视频淒on无毛视频檛 Stand Too Close to a Naked Man,无毛视频� I had to go to the high ground and eliminate the enemy one by one.
Of course, all my planning went out the window when I reached a roof and just started shooting at anything that moved, especially characters with numbers attached to them.
That无毛视频檚 when I heard the voice coming from the TV.
无毛视频淥hmahgaaaaawd, Lacey! Somebody is, like, totally trying to snipe me!无毛视频�
I then realized I was shooting at my own team and poorly doing it at that, and then I was taken out from behind by a player as Aquaman, who then decided to dance over my corpse for some reason.
So, basically, I don无毛视频檛 think my participation in Fortnite will last too much longer because the game pretty much shows player what kind of person they are.
You无毛视频檙e either a charging banana-man or a sneaky, dancing Aquaman or an old fogy like me who should know better than entering into a hostile battle arena with bloodthirsty 14-year-old girls 无毛视频� in the game as well as in real life.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 无毛视频淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One无毛视频nd Dying, Too无毛视频� and 无毛视频淪tupid Brain,无毛视频� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 无毛视频淟ocally Yours无毛视频� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.