According to Hofmann: Valentine无毛视频檚 Voodoo Day
Let无毛视频檚 face it, Valentine无毛视频檚 Day isn无毛视频檛 for everyone.
I mean, they say there无毛视频檚 always someone for somebody, they say there无毛视频檙e always more fish in the sea, they say it无毛视频檚 better to have love and lost than to have loved at all, they say lightning never strikes twice in a bottle, they say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and 无毛视频� where was I going with this?
Oh yeah, Valentine无毛视频檚 Day sucks.
Don无毛视频檛 tell me any different and don无毛视频檛 tell me to list multiple reasons why it无毛视频檚 the most awful of the made-up commercial holidays because even if you pretend to enjoy the holiday, you can无毛视频檛 really enjoy it because, for one, it takes place in the middle of winter!
Fortunately, many places have recognized this truth to be self-evident and are cashing in on Anti-Valentine Day sentiments.
One example is an animal shelter in Kentucky that无毛视频檚 holding a fundraiser where jilted lovers can pay $10 to have their ex无毛视频檚 names inscribed on the inside of the shelter无毛视频檚 kitty litter boxes.
So, eventually depending on their diets, the cats will find a way to douse out your old flame.
Who knows, ladies, you may even be so moved by the kitty无毛视频檚 determination to dump on the dumper, you might even adopt that cat or three to be a part of the 168 other cats in your apartment.
On the darker side of the same coin, the San Antonio Zoo in Texas is allowing people to name animals that will be fed to other animals.
For example, $5 allows the donor to name a cockroach before it无毛视频檚 served as a meal and, because this is Texas we无毛视频檙e talking about where everything is bigger, $25 can be paid to name a pre-frozen rat before it无毛视频檚 fed to a snake.
For vegetarians, the zoo also has an option to name a plant that无毛视频檚 fed to herbivores; however, watching a panda gnaw on a bamboo shoot named after the girl who stood you up at prom isn无毛视频檛 as satisfying is seeing a snake dislocate its jaw to swallow whole and slowly digest the dirty frozen rat named after your cute babysitter whom you finally had the courage to ask out after 20 years only to be shot down because she无毛视频檚 now 无毛视频渕arried无毛视频� with 无毛视频渒ids无毛视频� and she无毛视频檚 your 无毛视频渃ousin,无毛视频� to give a random example.
Anyway, is it just me, or do those efforts seem like an acceptable form of modern voodoo?
When you think about it, there无毛视频檚 little difference between sticking needles into and hooking up miniature jumper cables to a cloth doll named Bruce or naming a snake无毛视频檚 next meal after Bruce无毛视频檚 brother, Bob, who无毛视频檚 even a bigger jerk.
But, like with any other holiday, I guess it无毛视频檚 all in what you believe and how strong you believe in it to make it really count.
And that, my friends, is the true meaning of Valentine无毛视频檚 Day 无毛视频� it无毛视频檚 not about the commercialization of buying flowers, giving heart-shaped gifts or having a romantic dinner. It无毛视频檚 all about dark magic and retribution.
If you hopeless romantics out there don无毛视频檛 believe me, then consider the origin of Valentine无毛视频檚 Day, which has led my research to Rome with two possible histories.
The first is the ancient Roman festival known as the Feast of Lupercalia, which was held every Feb. 13, 14 and 15.
For the event, animals were sacrificed and then the men would run naked through the city, using the hides of those sacrificed animals to whip young ladies in an effort to help them conceive and then they would无毛视频揳hem无毛视频損ut that into practice.
I know what you无毛视频檙e thinking, guys. That movie 无毛视频�50 Shades of Gray无毛视频� was more romantic than you originally thought.
The other inspiration for Valentine无毛视频檚 Day was when Roman Emperor Claudius II 无毛视频� man, these Romans pretty much started everything! 无毛视频� executed two men named Valentine in two different years on Feb. 14. Their martyrdom was honored by the Catholic Church with the celebration of St. Valentine无毛视频檚 Day.
Yep. That history just begs for me to buy a box of chocolates and take the wife to dinner at the Olive Garden 无毛视频� or, if they无毛视频檙e too crowded, Denny无毛视频檚.
So, for this Valentine无毛视频檚 Day, maybe skip the chocolates, flowers and dinner and take part in a little modern voodoo to keep the true bloody and disturbing history of Valentine无毛视频檚 Day alive and well.
Because, as they say, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 无毛视频淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One无毛视频nd Dying, Too无毛视频� and 无毛视频淪tupid Brain,无毛视频� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 无毛视频淟ocally Yours无毛视频� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.