According to Hofmann: The best parking spot ever
You know, Christmas time really does bring out the best in people.
Well, what I really mean is everyone is looking for 无毛视频淭he Best.无毛视频� They seek the best tree, the best gift, the best Christmas-spirited punch and then the best hangover cure the next morning.
Even a curmudgeon like myself succumbs to such holiday pressures, but, for me, it无毛视频檚 seeking the best parking space.
I don无毛视频檛 know why that is and why it无毛视频檚 more important leading up to Christmas compared to finding the best parking space any other time of the year.
Maybe it has to do with everybody else out and about and looking for the best space, and I believe that every time I enter a parking lot, it无毛视频檚 game on.
Maybe it无毛视频檚 the knowledge that, after parking to go through the grief that无毛视频檚 retail shopping, the thing I want most is a short walk to the vehicle 无毛视频� even being able to see my car after walking out of the store is something of a Christmas miracle.
Or maybe it was Dec. 17, 2016, when I experienced such a miracle when I parked my car five spaces from the front of a mall, and that无毛视频檚 even counting the three handicapped spaces before it.
I loved that space so much that after every purchase inside the mall, I went outside to put the bags in the car so I could relive the magical feeling of spotting my vehicle right away, having the short, sweet walk to the space and also seeing the spirit-crushing expression of hurt and anger on the the faces of the other drivers when they realized I wasn无毛视频檛 leaving.
Honestly, why would I leave? If I didn无毛视频檛 have my wife and kid there, I was going to spend the night in the car in that spot because I无毛视频檓 sure the Star of Bethlehem would have shined over me.
Okay, I无毛视频檓 exaggerating a bit, but it truly was the greatest somewhat-Christmas-related day in my life, and I无毛视频檝e been hunting that white whale ever since.
That is something that I want for the loyal readers of this column to experience 无毛视频� the pure joy of getting the best parking spot and then have your life ruined by always chasing it.
First, I think it无毛视频檚 a good idea to identify the type of parking person you happen to be because they fall in three categories and because I think it will determine the likelihood of you getting the best spot.
At the bottom of the parking chain are the Stumblers, which are those who just happen to be at the right place at the right time to ease into a space with little to no searching or effort. For them, the best spot may be a one-in-a-lifetime event, so cherish it whenever it happens.
In the middle, there无毛视频檚 the Stalkers. They无毛视频檙e the ones who see a shopper walking to their car, loading their car or are entering their car. A Stalker pretty much parks a few spaces behind the car and waits as the person sits in their car, starts the engine, lets the car warm up, fires up their GPS, checks their messages, checks the mirrors of the car and then finally starts pulling out (or until they remember they forgot something in the store and then stay in the spot, get out and walk back into the store, leaving the Stalker is still there, waiting).
Now, there无毛视频檚 a sub-genre of the Stalker, and that无毛视频檚 the Vulture. The Vulture is a driver who will either be behind the Stalker or driving up to the Stalker and uses stealth and timing to sneak into and steal the Stalker无毛视频檚 target space before the Stalker can get there.
Vultures are pretty much the scum of the earth. I give them leeway if a Stalker isn无毛视频檛 using a turn signal, but if the turn signal is on, and the Vulture gets the space, then all you can hope for is parking lot karma to go into effect, which is either rain when a Vulture无毛视频檚 windows are down or hundreds of birds pooping on the car and the Vulture at the same time.
That leaves us with the Hunters like me.
As a Hunter, I have to have the luck of a Stumbler, the patience of a Stalker, the viciousness of a Vulture and the perseverance of, well, your basic hunter.
Basically, I see people leaving the mall or the store and follow them, watch them as they go to their cars and time it right to take the spot smoothly enough to not be a Stalker while considerate enough to not be a Vulture.
I believe a Hunter无毛视频檚 odds of getting the best spot is pretty much the same as the Stalker or even the Vulture as it无毛视频檚 mainly luck and timing that determines the location of the spot. But the skill that actually goes into physically parking in the spot makes a difference, too.
Yeah, I know I kind of built up parking to something more epic than it really is, but there is a thrill when you do get a good spot and sometimes you无毛视频檙e satisfied if you find any spot at all. Black Friday of 2019 comes to mind 无毛视频� lost a lot of good men on that day.
Anyway, much like how Christmas makes you want to seek out 无毛视频淭he Best,无毛视频� a more relatable statement for the holiday season is it doesn无毛视频檛 really matter how much you want the best, if you无毛视频檙e desperate enough, you无毛视频檒l eventually accept anything.
If that doesn无毛视频檛 do it for you, you can just find satisfaction in watching a Vulture getting pooped on.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 无毛视频淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 无毛视频� and Dying, Too无毛视频� and 无毛视频淪tupid Brain,无毛视频� are available on Amazon.com.