According to Hofmann: The hunt for fed October
In my constant observation of childhood rituals through the eyes of a jaded adult, I have to say that people have really missed the point of trick-or-treating.
Some say it无毛视频檚 a custom to strengthen relationships of those in a neighborhood, others say it无毛视频檚 a custom created by the candy company to bolster profits like they did with Valentine无毛视频檚 Day or St. Willy Wonka Day in England. A few even say it无毛视频檚 a ritual to legalize door-to-door begging and subsequent home vandalism.
None of that is true, even though the last one makes the most sense. What trick-or-treating teaches the youth is how to be hunters/gatherers.
Now, I know that sounds insanely stupid because all kids go to the same houses and, for the most part, receive the same pieces of candy.
That may be true for the novice trick-or-treater, but if you talk to the hardened, grizzled veterans of multiple trick-or-treat campaigns between the ages 10 to 12, and they无毛视频檒l tell you different.
You see, after the first couple of years, kids get to know the neighborhood and the houses with the best candy, and they also know that other kids their age know the same, so there has to be a plan in place to hit those houses first.
There was a lady I used to go to that would actually hand out Little Debbie cakes; I knew nothing about her even though I think she was my next-door neighbor, and I think that I always referred to her as Debbie because of her substantial generosity. Not only did the neighborhood kids not egg or TP Debbie无毛视频檚 house, we all volunteered to cut her grass and clean leaves from her gutters.
Other than the manna that comes down from the gods on trick or treat night, kids also know of the pitfalls that exist.
For example, the house that sets the basket out with a note to take just one thing is a fool无毛视频檚 mission as that basket is emptied by the second or third kid that arrives. Those are the scavengers.
Other houses may have awesome candies or Little Debbies waiting, but it comes with a price, which is the candy giver takes their sweet, sweet time trying to figure out what the trick-or-treaters are, meanwhile dangling the candy bar in front of of their face, wasting precious hunting time.
You see, kids, trick-or-treating can be a two-way street when houses like that pull the old torture-and-treat routine.
But back to the hunting theme: Like all hunters, you want to know your target before you pursue it. You don无毛视频檛 shoot Thumper when you无毛视频檙e hungry for Bambi, so why on Earth would you go after mini-size candy bars?
Sadly, candy bars have devolved over the years, and that fact becomes painfully apparent around Halloween, Christmas, Easter and St. Willy Wonka Day.
Let无毛视频檚 start with the granddaddy of trophies, the king size, which is an endangered species or even a myth at this point as companies have opted out of a king size for what they call a 无毛视频渟hare size.无毛视频� Those are two candy bars so a person can share one with someone else or eat one and save the other one for later.
Both options are totally stupid because everyone, especially children, are going to rip open that 无毛视频渟hare-sized无毛视频� joke like a crocodile ripping into a water buffalo, and eat both candy bars, most likely at the same time and using their palm to shove them in their mouths.
Next is the 无毛视频渟ingle size,无毛视频� which is what无毛视频檚 considered a normal-sized candy bar.
Now, it无毛视频檚 not as endangered of a species as the king size, but you can still hear the old-timers graduating from high school talking about when a single-size bar was dropped in their trick-or-treat bags.
Following the single size is the 110 calorie size, which I won无毛视频檛 even dignify with its availability as it无毛视频檚 the result of some inbreeding on a corporate level to make candy healthy, so leave it be.
Now we无毛视频檙e down to the common prey in the trick or treat wilderness, the fun size, which is as plentiful as rabbits and squirrels, and 无毛视频渇un size无毛视频� happens to be the dumbest name ever for a candy bar.
Whenever I eat one of those fun-size quarter bars of candy, the thought in my head isn无毛视频檛 无毛视频渇un!,无毛视频� it无毛视频檚 无毛视频渘ext!无毛视频�
You know when Christmas comes along, and they release that yard-long row made up of single-size bars? Now that无毛视频檚 fun!
If the fun size wasn无毛视频檛 a letdown to begin with, the candy companies doubled down with the mini-size bar 无毛视频� not a bar 无毛视频� a nugget, and I apologize for short-shaming nuggets with that comparison.
If you ever watch a show where some idiot is 无毛视频渟tranded无毛视频� in the wilderness with his camera crew, and he eventually eats a grub worm to get some extra protein in his body, the mini-size candy is the grub worm of the sweets world.
If hunting and survival references aren无毛视频檛 your thing, just look at the value of the candy in terms of effort vs. reward.
From the mini to the king size, the wrappers are all the same and pretty much take the same effort to open them. Now, think of the enjoyment you get from doing that work for a single size versus the same work for a mini, which would be none because, chances are, the mini candy would end up getting lost somewhere in the opened wrapper.
Feeling angry now? Good. Then you get it, and I cannot teach you anything else.
So, with that, kids, happy hunting, watch out for traps and if you see Debbie, be kind and rake the leaves in her yard.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 无毛视频淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One无毛视频nd Dying, Too无毛视频� and 无毛视频淪tupid Brain,无毛视频� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 无毛视频淟ocally Yours无毛视频� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.