According to Hofmann: The imaginary freeloader
Just when I think life is starting to return to normal following whatever new helping of crazy that the world dishes out, life throws me a curve ball. A freeloader has been introduced to my family.
I actually witnessed the birth of this freeloader, somewhat, and it was still a shock to me.
No, I无毛视频檓 not talking about a pet giving birth to a litter or scorpions hatching from the cactus I bought at a dollar store in New Mexico.
I无毛视频檓 talking about my stepdaughter无毛视频檚 imaginary friend.
Emma was recently in a swimming pool as I took my position on the deck where the beer happened to be as the weather was mild and the water was freezing cold.
无毛视频淐ome in and play with me, daddy,无毛视频� Emma said, wanting me to take part in such games as Marco Polo, ring toss, 20 questions (why she prefers to play that game in the pool is beyond me) and reenacting stunts from 无毛视频淭he Matrix无毛视频�.
无毛视频淣o, thanks,无毛视频� I said between beer belches. 无毛视频淒addy fell for that trick last time and lost all feeling in his toes for six hours.无毛视频�
无毛视频淧leeeeeeaaaaaassssse!无毛视频� she whined.
无毛视频淛ust swim around for a while,无毛视频� I said.
无毛视频淭hat无毛视频檚 okay,无毛视频� she said. 无毛视频淓mily is going to play with me. Right, Emily?无毛视频�
My first thought was how many beers I consumed and if I was going through an alcohol-induced hallucination, but that无毛视频檚 hard to do on three cans of Old Milwaukee. My other thoughts came out as questions to Emma.
无毛视频淲ho无毛视频檚 Emily, where无毛视频檚 Emily, why is Emily a thing now?无毛视频� I asked.
Emma explained the obvious, that Emily is her friend and she无毛视频檚 standing next to Emma in the pool.
无毛视频淐an Emily eat with us tonight?无毛视频� Emma asked. 无毛视频淵ou can set a plate for her, and she can sit next to me.无毛视频�
无毛视频淯mm无毛视频ure, I guess,无毛视频� I said, but then decided to avoid doing more cooking than is required of me. 无毛视频淏ut doesn无毛视频檛 Emily need to go home to her family?无毛视频�
无毛视频淪he无毛视频檚 going to live with us!无毛视频� Emma said and then they played the saddest game of Marco Polo ever.
Not only was I angry that such major life changes were taking place behind my back while right in front of me, I was also afraid that Emily was going to be more trouble than she was worth.
Turns out I was right because not only did I have to set a plate and some food for Emily that eventually made its way to the dog, but Emma included her in pretty much everything and anything that she was doing, which also involved me.
For example, when I said, 无毛视频済ood morning无毛视频� to Emma, she insisted I say the same to Emily; when I yelled at Emma for defecting her citizenship to Greece, she said it was Emily无毛视频檚 idea and when I asked Emma to pull my finger, Emma said she wanted Emily to do it.
My wife said it无毛视频檚 perfectly normal for Emma to have an imaginary friend because my wife had an imaginary friend when she was a kid.
My mother argues that I also had an imaginary friend as a child, but I pointed out to her that my friend, Mr. T, happens to be very real, and his wife, Mrs. T, would always put pierogies in our freezer.
Man, my childhood was epic.
But my focus is now on Emma无毛视频檚 childhood and how I can fix this ongoing Emily issue because I don无毛视频檛 think any imaginary friend should require lifestyle adjustments.
I know I can无毛视频檛 convince Emma that Emily doesn无毛视频檛 exist because I can无毛视频檛 even convince her to clean her room, especially since Emily is the slob who doesn无毛视频檛 lift a finger; I know I can无毛视频檛 simply ignore Emily because my refusal to swim earlier is what created Emily in the first place, so if I ignore her, two more will show up like Gremlins in water; finally, I can无毛视频檛 put a hit out on Emily because Emma无毛视频檚 imaginary lawyer will sue me over Emma无毛视频檚 emotional trauma.
However, Emily is Emma无毛视频檚 IBFF (Imaginary Best Friend Forever), but she无毛视频檚 10 years old, and real BFFs (Best Friends Forever) at that age only last summer or two, which makes them BFFSO (Best Friends For Summer Only) because a NBFF (New Best Friend Forever) normally makes an appearance.
So my plan is to introduce Emma to her new IBFF, Mister Misses, a magical being made out of rainbows that is part unicorn. Mister Misses doesn无毛视频檛 eat or drink or need acknowledgement from anyone, and Mister Misses无毛视频� favorite games include cleaning Emma无毛视频檚 room, taking out the garbage, how many beers they can fetch for daddy and then being quiet when daddy has one of his 无毛视频渕orning headaches无毛视频�.
I don无毛视频檛 know how well it will go over with Emma or if it will work at all, but I have to give it a try and if Emma doesn无毛视频檛 like it, then I无毛视频檒l see her in imaginary court.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 无毛视频淟ocally Yours无毛视频� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 无毛视频淪tupid Brain,无毛视频� is available on Amazon.com.