According to Hofmann: The fruitcake shall inherit the Earth
I recently visited a mall on Black Friday. I wasn无毛视频檛 there to shop, but rather to observe the North American Lunatic in its natural habitat.
When I wasn无毛视频檛 avoiding fist fights to get into the bathroom or crowd surfing my way to the Orange Julius stand, I found time to browse around, and I saw something that made me pause and realize I was standing before an item that crawled out from the Scroogy muck and has made its cultural impact for the holidays.
Of course, I无毛视频檓 talking about the ugly sweater, something that was once just a sweater that was offensive to the eyes because it was worn by people so filled with the Christmas spirit, that it appeared as though the Christmas spirit had been puked all over their clothing.
In recent years, however, it无毛视频檚 become a pop-culture phenomenon, seated comfortably and joyfully in the mix of tried and true Christmas traditions like eggnog chugging, poinsettia-eating contests and winter streaking 无毛视频� all in the same night at the ER. People even have get-togethers where the guest with the ugliest sweater is now considered the life of the party 无毛视频� what a turnaround!
In my constant quest to be on the cutting edge of standards and practices for all times of the year, I think another Christmas black sheep will soon be sheared, worn and embraced by the populace, and that无毛视频檚 the fruitcake.
Although I know plenty of people who say they like fruitcake, I never believe them as the only person I无毛视频檝e ever witnessed actually eat one was my great-grandmother during a party on Christmas Eve in 1993 where the remainder of the guests huddled in a corner and attempted not to retch at the sight.
Before I continue on, I think it无毛视频檚 best to review a little history of the fruitcake as I无毛视频檝e researched all things about fruitcake on the computer无毛视频nd the computer I was using wasn无毛视频檛 even connected to the Internet, which is one of many mysteries fruitcakes seem to hold.
The origins of the fruitcake stretch back to the days of ancient Rome as Roman armies and later Christian armies supplied soldiers with 无毛视频渟atura,无毛视频� a bar consisting of seeds, fruits, nuts and barley mash and was considered to be the prototype of modern fruitcake. While the cakes were full of healthy carbohydrates and fats, the soldiers didn无毛视频檛 eat the cakes, but used them to pummel other soldiers in combat as the dense objects effectively obliterated ancient battle armor.
Into the middle ages, the British version of the fruitcake started out as 无毛视频減lum porridge无毛视频� and contained meat, wine, sherry, fruit juices, sugar and preserved fruits and was also known as 无毛视频減uke soup.无毛视频�
That goop was soon changed from porridge to a pudding as it was baked, and it notoriously spread throughout England, even landing into the song 无毛视频淲e Wish You a Merry Christmas无毛视频� in the form of the following lyrics from the song无毛视频檚 lesser known unabridged version无毛视频�
无毛视频漁h, bring us some figgy pudding
Oh, bring us some figgy pudding
Oh, bring us some figgy pudding
And bring it right here
On second thought, no thank you
On second thought, no thank you
On second thought, no thank you
We无毛视频檝e clearly gone mad无毛视频�
What无毛视频檚 known as the modern Christmas fruitcake came to America by the colonists before the American Revolution, but was actually a failed attempt to crush the spirits of colonists by British spies by making them believe they needed to eat fruitcake outdoors in the nude during the winter holidays or a fruit famine will strike the land.
With that history out of the way, we need to understand how a fruitcake is made, what goes into it that gives it that special无毛视频hat the French call 无毛视频渃aca.无毛视频�
An average fruitcake is made up of 70 percent dried fruits like raisins, pineapples, cherries, papayas and pecans with 30 percent of the fruitcake consisting of a cake batter that holds everything together when baked. More traditional fruitcakes have even incorporated brandy, whiskey or rum (or maybe all of the above, if you无毛视频檙e feeling adventurous) into the mix.
Now, for my recipe to weasel its way into the Christmas season, the first thing that needs done is to keep the ingredients the same for an average fruitcake, but change the ratio of cake to the dried fruits and nuts.
I无毛视频檓 thinking a successful cake will have 60 percent batter with 40 percent fruit and nuts or even have equal parts at 50/40, if you无毛视频檙e bad at math like me.
Once baked and cooled, you want to incorporate alcohol by adding the standard rum along with gin, vodka, tequila and triple sec.
Let the alcohol soak in the cake for three days or even three minutes if you don无毛视频檛 want to wait. You then pick up the cake, hold it over a glass full of ice and wring it so the alcohol is drained from the cake and into the glass, then discard the cake and enjoy your Christmas-on-Long-Island Iced Tea.
So raise and squeeze your cakes and stifle your vomit, because the fruitcake is here to stay and evolve无毛视频o says my computer that无毛视频檚 not hooked up to the Internet.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He hosts the 无毛视频淟ocally Yours无毛视频� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 无毛视频漇tupid Brain,无毛视频� is available on Amazon.com.